Soundtrack of My Life

My Intro to Music 

I grew up in a home where music was always playing. The Smiths, Prince, MCR, you name it. No matter the event, even if it was as simple as cleaning the house, there was music. For a long time, I didn’t realize how influential music was in my life, or how it’s more than just a form of entertainment. But now I see that music can connect people and provide comfort, in addition to being a form of expression. 

My earliest memories are of music bonding my family together. My mother introduced me to a band called The Cure at a very young age. My father admired Prince’s unique sense of style and the music he made. We’d watch music videos together, such as “Raspberry Beret.” My parents taught me that music can comfort people. For example, whenever I had a tantrum my mom would play ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ by Cyndi Lauper to calm me down. 

My mother’s passion for music was almost hereditary, derived from my grandma. I first discovered my passion for piano during summer trips to my grandma’s house. She has a massive piano in her living room. I would sit next to her and watch her play. I loved how elegant the instrument sounded, and watching her quick-moving hands. I wanted to be able to play it as well, so I started piano lessons when I was 7. 

The same week I started learning piano, my older brother started playing the electric guitar. We both had music lessons every Thursday, and he started sharing his favorite bands with me. He introduced me to more emotional and heartfelt music, bands like Twenty One Pilots and My Chemical Romance. 

On My Own

In 5th grade, I got my first phone, which meant I now had my own iTunes account. This led me to a whole new world of music. I discovered all types of songs by searching genres similar to the music my parents exposed me to. From there, I found indie rock bands like The Cocteau Twins, The Smashing Pumpkins, and others. I loved how this music didn’t follow social norms, and it made me feel less weird. 

In 6th grade, during quarantine, the music went quiet. I got depressed and stopped listening to music as much, and I gave up the piano. The sounds that once filled my childhood suddenly went away. This wave of sadness was louder than any song I’ve ever played. I felt misundSouerstood by many people in my life, and alone.

Thankfully, I started to come out of my depression in 7th grade, and I found myself again with music. I had never really paid attention to lyrics before; I was more drawn to a song’s melody. But now I found songs with lyrics I could feel through my bones, and it made me feel a little less alone. 

I started writing my favorite lyrics down as a way to cope with my depression. I loved “Needle in the Hay” by Elliot Smith. There was a particular line that made me play the song on loop: “I’m taking the cure / so I can be quiet whenever I want.” I had just started antidepressants when I heard this line and they had given me a sort of numb feeling that I couldn’t explain. It shocked me to hear that feeling expressed in a song. I didn’t know lyrics could have this much power and influence.

A Shift in My Life

During 7th grade, I was socially introverted and had very few friends. I would spend most of my time listening to music and writing poems. I started to wear studded accessories, black clothes, and dramatic eyeshadow and I got made fun of: some preppy girls who dressed in Lululemon and Brandy Melville were the main perpetrators.I felt ashamed and embarrassed from the bullying, but music made me feel better. 

During my search for music, I was also discovering myself.

I didn’t change my style to fit in and prevent bullying. I was simply looking for who I was. During my search for music, I was also discovering myself. 

I found new music I liked and also I reminisced about old songs I used to listen to with my brother and mother. We all liked songs with soulful lyrics, and musicians who were a part of an alternative subculture. I realized that I wanted to be part of this mini community, and I wanted to express myself like the music I listen to. 

I know that my parents were into goth and emo subcultures when they were in their teens, and I admired that without even realizing it. I grew up with my mother showing me pictures of her dressed as a trad-goth, with white face paint, black lipstick and dramatic black eye makeup. I guess my mom’s style influenced me; She once showed me a picture of herself wearing almost the exact same outfit I had on at that moment. 

My brother had also adopted a goth style: he straightened his hair to the side in an emo side-fringe. These subcultures were comfortable to us. From my family, I learned that self-expression is different for every person, and I don’t have to be ashamed.

First Concert

At the end of 7th grade, my favorite artist at the time, Mitski, an alternative/indie singer, was performing at Radio City Music Hall, and I wanted to go. I liked many artists at the time, but her music was my favorite out of all of them. Mitski writes poem-like songs, and is able to perfectly convey emotions that I know inside and out. I convinced my mom to let my older sister take me. This was one of the most influential nights of my life: my first concert. 

The lighting at the theatre shined brightly on my favorite musician, and all my attention was on her. The music was so loud I could feel it vibrate through my bones. I loved hearing songs sung so close in front of me, rather than through headphones, and I was happy to see thousands of fans who loved her the same way I did, and who dressed the same way I did. 

It felt like a community that I needed with an accepting and peaceful atmosphere. It almost seemed like a strange phenomenon that can only occur in a space involving music. No matter how the music itself makes someone feel, there is a built in acceptance and community from within. Seeing Mitski perform in front of me made me want to go to concerts for the rest of my life. 

Finding My People

Soon after that, my brother started his own screamo band and I went to his first two shows. I loved every part of it. It felt special because it was my brother performing, and I felt connected to the music. Small local shows in the city became a huge part of my life; I started to go to shows almost every month. 

I even went to see The Cure with my mom on a school night. It was the best concert I’ve ever been to: I knew the lyrics to almost every song and I could scream them as loud as I wanted to. 

It felt different from the Mitski concert, though, because I now had connections with people throughout the crowd. I was able to make easy conversations with strangers sitting near me and I shone my phone flashlight for my friends to come find me. I had successfully become a part of a community.

Now, as a 15-year-old, I have gone to 14 concerts. Local bands at small venues, big stadium shows, you name it. I continue to explore all different types of music and find lyrics that speak to me. Music is one of my greatest sources of comfort and has also become a way for me to bond with people. It will forever be my go-to conversation starter, coping mechanism, and background noise. It is irreplaceable.