Ready for Independence

Names have been changed.

When I lived in a group home, kids were always moving in and out; staff changed a lot; and violent, erratic girls messed with me. Now I live in a cozy apartment in the Bronx.

A few months ago, when I first arrived here, I was running late to a program I’m in. I dropped my bags off in a messy pile, and my social worker drove me to my program. I came back to find my bags nicely stacked in the corner and an offer to help me settle in from Jay, another foster child around my age who I’d be sharing a room with. 

Jay was sweet and welcoming. She put on Brooklyn Nine-Nine and we chatted about ourselves for about an hour while putting things away. She explained curfew and other rules of the house, what allowance we get, and most other things I needed to know.

It’s a small room, but Jay and I get along well and often go out together to get coffee or go shopping. Rori, who’s also 17, was placed here a few days after me. I honestly haven’t seen her much, but we say hi when we see each other. Both girls are nice and respectful. 

The foster mom, Ms. A., has earned my appreciation and respect. After I’d lived there for about three days, my grandmother went missing. She has dementia, and she just disappeared in the middle of the night. My family was very worried and spent two days looking for her. I told Ms. A. about my grandmother, and she immediately started praying. She told me her own mother also lived with dementia. 

Above and Beyond

Ms. A., who works in a nursing home, then took action. She contacted the news and put a picture and story of my grandmother on social media. That helped the hospital where my grandmother ended up to identify her. 

Then she went a step further and found my grandmother a nursing home to live in. So, very early on, Ms. A. showed up for me in a way nobody from a group home ever had. I live with people who are reliable and steady, and we actually look out for each other. 

Ms A. reminds me to visit my grandmother weekly, which brings me joy. I’m glad someone else cares for my grandmother, even though they’ve never met.
Ms. A. is strict but that’s understandable. She let me into her home so it makes sense she wants to keep it the way she likes. We are expected to spray down the bathroom after showering, unplug appliances after cooking, keep the doors locked and keep our room clean. I’d never been expected to do most of these sorts of tasks before. In the group home the girls didn’t do many chores.

Part of why I’m not scared to be on my own is Ms. A.’s belief in me.

I’ve lost some freedom. I have to ask to leave, and I must be home by 10 p.m. When I first arrived, Ms. A. explained that if I wasn’t home by curfew she would call the agency hotline and then the police to report me as AWOL. 

It’s a tradeoff I don’t mind. In the group home I used to AWOL a lot, because I hated the environment I was in. Now I’m glad to come back home after a long day. I shower, eat, and watch TV with Jay, and we talk about our days.

I am grateful that someone gave me a chance to be in their home: Foster kids my age (16) usually don’t get placement. And I am grateful that the other foster kids here are nice and not reckless or loud. The home is clean and quiet. I’ve been happier here and bettering myself. I’ve been going to school more, keeping my grades up, staying out less, seeing my family a bit more, feeling happier. Routines are nice. 

Facing a Deadline

As kind as Ms. A. is, she has a policy of taking foster children in only until they turn 18. She makes that clear when kids first arrive at her home. She often tells us to find jobs and to be ready for college and living alone and being independent. She tells us her job is to help us to grow to not depend on others.

Jay has lived in this house for about five years. She and Ms. A. have a relationship that is very sweet. They often talk about their future together, hoping they will still be connected. They will probably stay in touch, since Ms. A. was a big part of Jay’s growing up. Even so, Ms. A.’s policy applies to Jay also. Neither Jay nor I will live with her in a family setting after age 18.

This may not be for everyone, but it works for me. I have appreciated Ms. A.’s kindness, but this is not my family. I don’t expect to be back with my mother and sister, either. I’m glad that foster care has independence at 18 as an option: It’s known as Another Planned Permanent Living Arrangement (APPLA). Instead of paying a foster parent to take care of youth 18-21, ACS helps those older youth get and pay for their own apartments but still stay in the system. 

In my previous story I wrote about wanting to get out of group homes and into a foster home. I succeeded in part thanks to my lawyer. (Unfortunately, I had to change agencies to get into the foster home, so I no longer have that great lawyer.)

Now, I’ve ended up in a good foster home, but I still want my goal to be independence once I turn 18. Ms. A. is a great help in preparing me for adulthood. She’s teaching us how to maintain a nice and clean home, balance working and school, buy ourselves what we need, cook for ourselves, and many other things. She is a great parent.

Part of why I’m not scared to be on my own is Ms. A.’s belief in me. She tells my caseworkers that she thinks I’ll do well alone because I take care of myself. I cook myself dinner, wash my own laundry, and take myself to my appointments as I look for a job. I also have a great example of someone who succeeded on this path: my older sister, Em. When Em turned 18, she moved to Florida, got a job, started college, and got herself an apartment by the beach. I want to stay in New York City, and I won’t sign myself out of care like she did. I’m going to continue getting foster care benefits to age 21 (and in the case of educational benefits, 23). But otherwise I hope to follow in Em’s footsteps to independence and success.

In foster care in New York, if you opt for APPLA, at 17 you start your application process for housing. They want you to have a job or some sort of income, but they help you pay for college or trade school. ACS will help you pay for college until you are 23, including an Education and Training Voucher (ETV) of $5,000 for tuition, dorms, books, and anything else you may need during that time. Foster care offers emotional support, such as therapy and psychiatric help, job training, and training in life skills and many more skills to get you ready for adulthood. 

I just turned 17 and am starting my housing application process. I hope to get approved for an apartment by the time I’m 18 or ready to go off to college. I believe that I’ll be able to work as I take college classes. 

Before I went into care about a year ago, my mom hadn’t been taking much care of me for about three years. Over these last few years, I’ve lost the feeling of needing someone to guide me through life. I’m grateful for the help of my previous lawyer and Ms. A., and I like my current foster home, but I’m ready for independence.