“Sex and the City” premiered on HBO a decade before I was born; the final SATC movie was released in my toddler years. And yet the show is still an ongoing topic among my peers, especially online.
I started watching the show more than a year ago, mostly because my friends were invested and begging me to watch. It follows 30-somethings Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha, capturing their friendship, their romances, and sometimes other aspects of their lives.
People on media apps love to make edits of the characters, or videos analyzing and criticizing their personalities. A common theme I’ve noticed is that few people seem to like Carrie, who presents herself as a fashionable, quirky writer and calls herself a romantic. According to Reddit comments, articles, and social media posts, she’s also a terrible friend and a self-absorbed, male-centered narcissist.
Like anyone, I’m easily influenced by prevailing opinions. Therefore I went into season one, episode one of Sex and the City with a predetermined dislike for the curly-haired protagonist. But as I continued watching, my feelings towards Carrie became more complex than I’d imagined they would be.
“I Couldn’t Help But Wonder…”
Throughout the show, I took note of how the main characters interact. Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie support each other through challenges large and small, like the death of Miranda’s mother, Carrie’s boyfriend Jack Berger leaving her in the middle of the night, Samantha getting a scary diagnosis, or Charlotte’s first marriage falling apart. The theme of female solidarity is pushed as the primary message with frequent quotes like Carrie’s: “They say nothing lasts forever …dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style.”
Online, though, this theme gets plenty of pushback. People notice the cracks within the friend group, especially when Carrie falls short.
I recognized these conflicts too. Before any positive support happens, each character must face the ultimate challenge: the judgment of her friends. I might even say the most interesting part of the characters’ friendship is how it nearly always leads back to judgment, and the judgment comes from all four women. Yet there’s something about Carrie that seems to set everyone off. Viewers notice and call out her judgment the most. Why?
Carrie is insecure, which might be the reason for some people’s dislike, but I find it endearing. It’s her fatal flaw, the reason for her bad romantic decisions. I think people find it easy to judge Carrie because she’s almost pitiful; despite her confident front, insecurity and impulsive decisions make her seem weak-willed. For example, she stays with her main love interest, “Mr. Big,” despite him playing in her face throughout the show. In one episode, she goes to a therapist but discontinues therapy because the therapist questions her romantic decisions. Her insecurity dictates her choices, and makes her wary of the therapist seeing through her.
When characters don’t seem aware of their flaws, it invites viewers to judge them.
By contrast, Samantha is a fan favorite. From peers, Reddit, and TikTok posts, I’ve seen her described as a lioness who isn’t afraid to break gender stereotypes and has total confidence in herself. I would challenge this by saying that Samantha is just as insecure as Carrie. We don’t see where this insecurity stems from, but it’s clear she has difficulty accepting the genuine adoration of Smith Jerrod, her season six boyfriend. She fears romantic love as opposed to sexual attraction,which leads her to cheat on Smith with her former partner, who had previously cheated on her. Her “hurt them before they hurt you” attitude strikes me as cowardice, and tells the audience that she has deeper insecurities that lie beneath her supposed indifference to romantic relationships.
We see Samantha’s insecurity also in a season five incident where Carrie walks in on her having a sexual interaction with a delivery man she doesn’t know. While viewers who dislike Carrie might cite it as an example of Carrie being judgmental, Carrie as the narrator just makes a lighthearted joke about the situation. But Samantha follows Carrie to a fashion show and tells her, “I will not be judged.” This leads me to believe she was expecting criticism, and that she may not actually feel as secure about her sexual decisions as she lets on.
Meanwhile, Samantha does get outright criticism from Charlotte, who has her own insecurities. Charlotte often makes critical remarks about Samantha’s sex life and her openness in discussing it. However, though Charlotte’s official values align more with traditional views—she fetishizes a perfect, wealthy life with a rich and handsome husband—she still has one-night stands. Samantha’s unapologetic attitude towards sex and her rejection of marriage make Charlotte uncomfortable and even angry. It seems as though these things remind Charlotte of parts of herself that she’s not comfortable with, parts that are not prim and proper. Whatever the psychological explanation, Charlotte judging Samantha for her sex life is hypocritical.
Miranda and Carrie also butt heads on the aspects of each other that remind them of their own insecurities. Carrie judges Miranda for “settling” for Steve, probably because she herself spends much of her time contemplating what romantic decisions she should be making. She doesn’t want to settle, but refuses to be alone, and Miranda’s decision makes her nervous about her own romantic life. Carrie fights for “true love” even if, in my opinion, she doesn’t get it in the end. Miranda for her part judges Carrie for being too reckless with her heart, probably because Carrie’s free-spirited behavior around love isn’t something Miranda could see herself achieving. Steve is Miranda’s safe bet, but like Carrie, she wonders if she has bet right.
More Self-Awareness, Please!
One moment that’s become a huge part of Samantha’s iconic status comes after Carrie cheats on her then-boyfriend Aidan with Big, who at this point is married to another woman. Charlotte runs into Carrie and Big together, and judges her harshly. Talking to Samantha afterward, Carrie guiltily asks, “Aren’t you going to judge me just a little bit?” “Not my style,” Samantha answers, a line that became so popular it’s found in memes and sold on merch. Even if the audience may not want to be like Samantha deep down, her attitude and lines are appealing as a pose. Samantha’s confidence can be sold to viewers, even if it’s not always real.
These celebrations of Samantha never judging conveniently ignore that, in the show’s next season, Samantha criticizes Miranda for keeping her baby when she has an unplanned pregnancy. This makes me ask: Is it really not her style to judge, or is it just not her style to judge something she would do herself? Like the other characters, Samantha has her biases. The show suggests that ambitious modern women have to make trade-offs of one kind or another. Miranda settles, Charlotte gets divorced, Samantha is cynical about romantic love, and Carrie gives up some peace of mind to be with Big.
Most women and teen girls would agree that a solid group of female friends to support you through break-ups, hardships, and milestones is desirable. But the extent of judgment in the show also makes me ask: Is this a fair portrayal of what is supposed to be strong female friendship?
If I were to remake Sex and the City my own way, I wouldn’t change the characters’ insecurities. These weaknesses humanize them and add a sense of connection between the audience and the characters. But I would have them acknowledge these insecurities more straightforwardly. Then they would have a better chance of learning and growing, and that would be more satisfying to the audience. When characters don’t seem aware of their flaws, it invites viewers to judge them.
While Charlotte and Samantha can seem one-dimensional, almost cartoonish at times, Carrie and Miranda seem more like complex people we know in our day-to-day lives. And because Carrie is the central character and narrator, we know her best. She sometimes makes selfish and unwise decisions, but so do we all. If we saw her and the rest of the characters become more self-aware over the seasons of the show, we might learn something about ourselves as well.
- Arts/Culture
- Friendship