I Can Make Friends

Names have been changed. 

The high school cafeteria bustled with chattering students as I anxiously looked around for Amy. I spotted her and felt relief, but a second later dread poured over me like lava. Amy was surrounded by kids I didn’t know. Do they even want me to sit with them? If I sat down and they didn’t like me, I’d be stuck there for the rest of lunch, and Amy might never hang out with me again. I left the cafeteria and sat outside in the park. At peace, alone.

This was the norm In high school. I didn’t trust anyone. I had been bullied at school. I also grew up in a volatile family and ended up in foster care. It was easier to avoid making mistakes with others if I kept my distance. 

I got into a good college, and my plan was to go to class, do the work, and go home. I didn’t see myself making any friends, but in the summer before my first semester, I attended an orientation for the Educational Opportunity Program. EOP helps low-income or educationally disadvantaged students, including foster youth, succeed in college. 

More than 50 kids my age were at orientation. In a speech about expectations, an EOP counselor said, “You will each need an attendance buddy. Find someone at your table to be your buddy, and hold each other accountable for coming to class everyday.” 

I looked to my right, at a dark girl with braids and glasses. She reminded me of myself, and she didn’t look too intimidating. She seemed kind. She glanced my way, and I said, “Wanna be each other’s attendance buddy?” 

“OK,” she said. We exchanged Instagrams and talked. We discovered we both like Nintendo and drawing. It helped that we had the assignment to talk every day, and I realized I’d rather easily made a friend. 

By the end of the month-long orientation, I knew everyone’s names. It was easier to make friends since we were such a small group and took many of the same classes. 

Then, right after I started classes at FIT, I was in the dining hall and spotted Evan, a close friend from high school. It felt like seeing a ghost. I couldn’t believe that Evan was here at my college. 

All the old high school fears rushed back. I wanted to talk to him, but what if he didn’t want to talk to me? Back in 10th grade, Evan, two other friends, and I decided to become content creators together. We talked about it for weeks, and I made a group chat for us. But something he said hurt my feelings, and I deleted the group chat without saying anything. And then I just avoided him. I’d felt guilty and second-guessed myself about it ever since.

But, as EOP was teaching me, I’ll miss 100% of the shots I don’t take. So I walked towards Evan and greeted him. 

“Oh hey,” Evan smiled.

I decided to say what was on my mind and hope for the best. “I had no idea we would be going to the same college. How’ve you been?” 

“Fine, me and my sister got a dorm together,” Evan said. We chatted a bit more, and I got his Instagram. The more I said, the easier talking to him became.

In fact, it was so nice that I messaged him about it afterward: “… not to bring stuff up from the past but I’m super sorry I deleted the whole discord server for the shared art social media thing. Anyway, how are u?”

Evan messaged me right back, “I deleted my account a while back and made a new one so it’s fine!”

From there, we talked about our majors, our classes, and how confusing the FIT buildings were. In high school, he was quiet and reserved. He had changed a little, like I was changing. He was funny and sociable now. I never thought Evan and I could have a conversation this long.

I felt like I was turning the page to a vibrant new chapter in my life. The next time I met Evan in the dining hall he introduced me to his sister Emily, and we started to hang out in each other’s dorm rooms, talking about classes, anime, and adjusting to college. They both had a great sense of humor. 

It was nice living so close to my friends because I could visit them whenever I wanted. I found myself staying longer than expected: I’d be just about to leave, and Emily would say something funny, and I’d stay even longer. They had brought a Nintendo that we set up in one of the dorm’s workrooms and played for hours.

Less Alone

About a month later, I saw Emily on campus with someone wearing a neon rainbow outfit, purple and white makeup, bunny ears, and rainbow hairclips on their purple, pink, and blonde hair. I wanted to talk to Emily and to meet her stylish friend, but I felt the old nervousness. What if Emily’s friend didn’t want to talk to me? But, building on my growing bravery, I walked over, and Emily introduced us. 

“I’m Rowan, he/him” Rowan greeted me.

“I’m Jami, he/they, I’ve seen you around.” 

“I get that a lot. People are always saying they’ve seen me,” Rowan said.

“Because the way you dress is so recognizable,” I said. “It’s like you’re a celebrity.”

“Aww thanks, you look great too! Very pink,” Rowan complimented.

In October, Rowan and I ran into each other and had our first long conversation. We talked about fashion, college, and how different dorming is from home. It was hard to hear Rowan because he talked so softly. 

I can make mistakes and still be accepted. People aren’t always judging me, and some of them want to talk to me.

Then he mentioned testosterone. Wait, was Rowan trans? I didn’t feel comfortable just asking, but the more Rowan complained about taking testosterone, the more OK it seemed. So I went for it. 

“Rowan.. are you trans? Like, FTM?”

“Well yeah, I’m a trans male, taking testosterone is part of my transition.”

“Omg! Rowan, I’m trans too!”

“FTM?!”

“Yeah!”

Most of the trans people I meet are nonbinary in some way, and none of them are taking estrogen or testosterone. I’d only seen trans men online. 

“Are you transitioning too? Like taking testosterone?” Rowan asked.

“Nah, I’m not sure about that right now. I might change my mind later though,” I explained.

Rowan offered to answer any questions I had about his transition. Then we went Halloween shopping together, and after some hesitation I asked the questions I’d had for a while.

 “When you took testosterone did your voice drop?” (Yes.)

 “Do you smell like a guy now?” (Yes.) 

“Did dogs that don’t like men stop liking you too?”  (Rowan had heard of men-hating-dogs being aggressive to a trans man after he started taking testosterone, but had never experienced this phenomenon himself.) 

When I was in high school, I would have been afraid to be too curious toward a new friend. But he didn’t mind answering my questions, and it was nice having someone to talk to about being assigned female at birth and transmasc. 

I invited him to the Halloween party I was co-hosting in Central Park, and he said he might come. Then we walked back to FIT, as the setting sun beamed orange. We offered to help each other dye our hair. We discovered as we got “home” that we lived in the same dorm and that Rowan lived next door to Emily and Evan. 

The four of us ended up hanging out every other night. We played games like Imposter, mafia, and Uno; watched movies; and ate dinner together. It was nice knowing that Evan and Emily, and now Rowan, were only a couple floors above me. I knew I always had friends I could go to and rely on, and friends that can rely on me too. 

Pumpkin Disaster

It was early afternoon, a week before Halloween. The sunlight angled across the grass and warmed our skin despite the autumn breeze. I’d invited 14 friends to a picnic where we would carve pumpkins, paint, and play games. But I still had to buy the pumpkins. Rowan, Evan, and I left to get them at a grocery store I thought was close by.

Our trip ended up taking an hour and a half. On our way back to the blanket, each of us carrying three pumpkins, I spiraled out. Though Rowan and Evan were chatting easily about TV, I was consumed by worry they were mad at me for getting the directions wrong. What if Evan, Rowan, and Emily didn’t want to be my friends anymore? 

When we got back to the picnic, about half the people had left. I was buried in a mountain of guilt. We carved the pumpkins, played Uno, and even did a mummy race, but I couldn’t have fun, worrying that everyone was angry with me. 

I then proceeded to withdraw from Evan, Emily, and Rowan for 10 days.

I was very lonely. I would pass by Evan and Rowan’s doors on the way to the bathroom, wanting to knock and say hello, but I wouldn’t. One night, I was watching Disney+ in my pajamas when someone knocked on my door. I opened it expecting an RA and saw Evan smiling. 

“Where’ve you been?” 

“Nowhere really, just hanging around the dorms.” 

“We haven’t seen you in forever! It’s like you disappeared,” Evan said. 

“Well, I thought you guys wouldn’t wanna see me after the Halloween party,” I said sheepishly, looking at the ground.

“What do you mean?” Evan said, clueless. 

“How we left for like an hour just to get pumpkins? You didn’t even get to hang out with Emily and Maria because they had to leave early!” 

Evan chuckled and shook his head “Yeah that was a long walk. ‘15 minutes away’ my ass.”

I laughed too. “We really went on a journey.”

It really was all in my head. Evan and I talked about the new season of the anime Spy x Family, and our plans for Halloween night. A few days later, I went to their dorm and hung out with Evan, Emily, and Rowan. I explained to Rowan why I hadn’t been around lately, how I felt guilty. Rowan said he was never upset with me; he knew it was an accident, and my party had been a great time anyway. 

My old instinct was to withdraw from everybody, believing that my absence was a favor to others. But now I know this narrative is only in my head. I can make mistakes and still be accepted. People aren’t always judging me, and some of them want to talk to me.

If I distance myself because of fear that I’m unwanted, I lose the chance to build long-lasting relationships. When I apologized to Evan about the conflict we had in high school, and when I apologized to Evan and Rowan about the picnic, we got closer. Putting my trust in my friends felt a lot better than isolating myself in my room.