NYC-Feature Story

Too Big a Risk
He was HIV-positive. I wasn't.

By Anonymous

After my first boyfriend and I broke up, it tore me up inside. When I learned that he had a new boyfriend just four months later, I knew I had to get over him and make a new beginning with someone else, too. I guess you could say I was looking for a “rebound” boyfriend. What I ended up with was a situation I never thought I would have to go through.

While browsing through my friend’s MySpace page one day, I found the page of a cute boy I had seen around but never spoken to. It was crazy; we would always stare into each other’s eyes when we saw each other with our mutual friends, but we never said a thing.

I sent him a friend request and waited, nervous that he would decline it. To my surprise, he accepted. We began to write MySpace messages to each other and later exchanged AOL Instant Messenger screen names. We would chat online all day long.

Ray (not his real name) was 20, two years older than me, and he was the nicest guy I had met since my ex. We talked about our dreams, goals, life experiences and past relationships. Soon, we were talking on the phone every night, sometimes until the sun came up. I began to have strong feelings for him.

Breakfast in Bed

One night, I decided to pick Ray up from work. We had seen each other before, but this was the first time it was just the two of us. We talked and held hands like a couple. When he asked me if I wanted to come to his house, I said yes without hesitation.

At his house, where he lived with some roommates, we took off our clothes and lay in his bed. He massaged my back and we talked a little, but the conversation got interrupted when Ray gave me a kiss on the lips. I was scared and unsure if I was ready to move on to the next guy just yet. But I dismissed my doubts when I looked into Ray’s eyes. We kissed for a while and then called it a night, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

The next morning, Ray made me breakfast in bed—scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, grits, pancakes and apple juice. He ironed my clothes for me and walked me to the train. I felt so special. It felt like we were actually in a relationship.

Then, as the train was approaching the station, Ray suddenly said, “I think that you should live your life and do you.” He basically meant that I should find someone else to be with. I was confused and hurt. Why did he suddenly feel this way about me? What had I done?

‘Different Types of People’

I didn’t hear from Ray for an entire week. Seven days felt like seven months. Finally, when I came home from the store one day, my mother told me that Ray had called. I dialed his number, happy but at the same time scared.

When he answered the phone, he sounded depressed, and he said he had to tell me something very important.

“You are so special to me and I don’t ever want to see you hurt again, but you and I are two different types of people,” he said.

I thought, “This can’t be happening to me again. Why doesn’t anyone want to be in a relationship with me?” After about a minute of total silence, I asked, “What do you mean, we’re two different types of people?”

He just said that he needed some time to think and he would call me later.

Shocked and Hurt

A few days later, I called Ray and asked him again what he had meant.

“Disease,” was the only word that came out of his mouth.

“What the heck is this boy talking about?” I thought nervously.

Ray said he was on his lunch break out in public and he didn’t want to say it out loud. He told me to name some diseases and when I named the right one he would say yes. I remembered Ray telling me about all the wild sexual things he’d done with guys in the past, and I began to name all of the STDs I could think of, from genital herpes to syphilis.

Finally, I said, “AIDS,” praying that he would reject my guess. I took a deep breath and waited for his answer.

“Not AIDS, but the stage that comes before it,” Ray said. That’s how I found out that Ray was HIV-positive.

I was shocked and hurt, but I also felt sympathetic toward Ray. I didn’t know what to say to him. All I could do was cry and think of how grateful I was to not be in his position. “Don’t worry, I’m going to be here for you,” was all I managed to say.

Ray talked about his day-to-day struggles, his medication and how he felt about the whole situation. Later, he said he thought there would be no problem with us being in a relationship, but he would feel very nervous when it came to us being sexual with each other. That’s why he had stopped calling me for a week.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I had strong feelings for Ray and the last thing I wanted was to leave him right when he needed me most. But I told him I would be scared about the sexual part, too. He said he would not want to be a burden on me, and that he would feel awful if he passed his HIV to me. We agreed to continue getting to know each other, with the possibility of a relationship later.

Educating Myself

But as the weeks passed, Ray started to distance himself from me. Before, he would call me many times a day. Now he would only call once a day, around midnight. I basically felt like he had given up on us because he was afraid that he would give me HIV.

I never gave up on him, though. I continued to call, no matter how many times I got his voicemail. Even though I wasn’t sure I could handle being with someone who was HIV-positive, I wanted to prove to Ray that I could do it. I began to do research on the Internet to see how it might be possible to date him.

I educated myself more about HIV and learned that many things I had thought were true were actually just myths. I found out that you can’t catch HIV from kissing someone or from drinking from the same glass as someone with HIV.

The Chance to Choose

But I also learned that I wouldn’t be able to handle dating someone who is HIV-positive. Even if you use a condom, there’s still a possibility that you could contract the disease, and that felt like too big a risk. I still have feelings for Ray, but I’ve decided to just be his friend. I’ve never told Ray my decision and he hasn’t asked. We just talk to each other as friends now.

I feel like people with HIV should give potential partners who are HIV-negative the chance to choose whether they want to be in a relationship with them or not, the way Ray did with me. It might be hard to deal with the rejection if the person decides not to be with you because you have HIV, but it’s still the right thing to do. I’m grateful that Ray was honest with me. And even though I decided not to date him, Ray has a place in my heart and I will always be there for him when he needs me.

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