FCYU-Feature Story

Finding My Mother Instinct
I didn't know how to deal with becoming a mom.

By Maya Noy

I never wanted to be a mother. I thought I was too immature and mentally unstable, not to mention the usual financial fears that come along with becoming a new mom. And of course, who wants to go through all that pain!

But then I got pregnant. I was living in Pennsylvania, moseying along as Eeyore might. I was way out of foster care-at least 10 years-and had been away from home about seven. I was working, but only enough to pay the bills. I had so much soul searching to do. I needed tons of therapy.

I was living with a guy, John, who I insisted was just a friend. That's what I told everyone, but no one believed me. This was my first long term-relationship and, most of the time, I didn't even consider it a real relationship.

But then came that drunken night where one thing led to another.

Testing the Tests

When I was "late," I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took the test thinking it would be negative, and I was just going through some kind of change. When the test was positive, I was in such disbelief. I was sure that those things told everyone they were positive.

I even had John get a second pregnancy test. Not for me. For him! He was kind enough to humor me, and he actually took the test! But as it happens, the test didn't find him pregnant. It worked.

He took the news very matter of factly. He seemed to want a baby.

Afraid to be a Mom

I was beyond scared. I was in total denial. Abortion was not in my vocabulary, but the thought of having a life inside me was unreal. For me, it was the equivalent of going to the moon, or seeing a ghost-something that you can't believe until you actually see it.

My biggest fear was that I knew close to nothing about motherhood and I didn't have the best role model. I felt like my mother didn't want children, and maybe even resented having my brother and me. My mom always seemed critical, distant and uninterested in me, and I grew up to be self-critical and depressed.

I feared that, as a parent, I would turn out like my mother, and my child would turn out like me. I wondered if my child might not like me. I thought she was destined to be miserable because I was so miserable most of my life.

Going Through the Motions

To get through my days, I pushed my fears to the back of my mind and pretended that I wasn't pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I went to my doctor's appointments, and had all the prenatal care you could ask for, but I was just going through the motions.

It was like I was two different people-pregnant me, who was taking care of my medical needs, and the real me. The real me felt ashamed of my body and tried to hide my pregnancy. My baby was so quiet that it was easy to pretend nothing was "wrong."

But when I got a sonogram, I finally had to accept that I really was pregnant. I saw my baby inside of me and cried. Half the time I worried, thinking, "What if something happens that I can't handle? What if I drop the baby?" Other times I just didn't think about it at all.

I even discontinued friendships because once I told people I was pregnant, it was all they wanted to talk about. I didn't buy maternity clothes. I just wore XL or 1X sized clothing. My body was changing, but my mind was not.

Needing Approval

Part of what made it so hard was the fact that my mother didn't know about my pregnancy, and I thought that she wouldn't approve. Without my mother's approval, I felt I was doing something shameful. I felt like a scared and needy child.

My mother and I have always had a tense, distant relationship. At some level I hoped my mother would rise to the challenge and become my dream mother once she saw how needy I was.

Being pregnant made me feel especially vulnerable, like things were happening to me that were out of control, and I needed to be guided and taught like a child. I had some illusions that my pregnancy would make others give me extra special care, and for once I could feel entirely taken care of. It didn't work out that way.

My boyfriend couldn't soothe me, either. I would repeat my fears over and over: "What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't like her? How will I handle all the crying? What do I do with a baby?"

All I got was his standard reply: "Don't worry, it will be fine." He treated me well enough; he always did. If I were having an ice cream and pickles craving at 4 a.m., he was there and back faster than a speeding bullet! But I needed a deeper kind of reassurance.

Letter to My Mother

After four months I sent this letter to my mother. I wrote it as a form letter because I felt it was easier for me to describe the situation in an impersonal way.

To Whom It May Concern,

This letter is to inform you of your daughter's recent situation. She asks that you remain calm and focused. She has been terribly stressed for a good length of time due to the fact that she was extremely concerned about your reaction to this news.

Over the years you have expressed disappointment in your daughter, and she feels this would be no different, considering the high expectations you have placed on her. Now, more than ever, she is hoping for your support.

Your disapproval would be the hardest thing to handle at this time. She needs a lot of support and care, and wants you to be involved. I am sorry if this is not something that you are ready to hear. There are no alternatives at this time.

From,

A Mother to Be

It took her over a week to respond. She was not happy.

A Mixed Response

The next time we spoke was very stiff and scary. I remember her asking, "Why not an abortion?" I had hoped she would be a source of support but I just felt as insecure as I had before.

I saw some interest from her when I had a sonogram and the technician said my baby was shy, hiding from the camera, so she wasn't sure about the gender of the child. My mother started instructing me on how to position myself so the baby would show itself.

She told me to roll on my side, sit on all fours like a cat, take a long walk, wiggle around, and jump up and down. It was pretty funny. I felt like a circus performer! I felt very silly but also encouraged because my mother seemed so interested.

Decorating My Baby's Room

As my daughter's birth drew closer, I still couldn't really imagine myself as a parent. I couldn't picture holding, feeding, bathing or rocking my daughter. But I did finally take a big step toward acknowledging that I would soon be a parent. I bought a stroller. It was the first thing I bought for my baby, and it made her arrival seem more real.

I also got excited about her room. I wanted to use my creative side, and I thought it could be a project my boyfriend and I could do together. In fact, even my mom got involved.

I had a lot of ideas: I wanted to paint a mural of a playground or a sun-kissed garden. I also wanted to have the crib encircled by a pretty white lace curtain.

I took forever to choose a color scheme, and finally settled on sunny yellow walls with red trim. (My brother called it the McDonald's room!)

Meanwhile, I was also in search of the perfect floor covering. I chose a brightly colored rug with the letters of the alphabet all over it. I was really excited about that!

To pull it together, I found photos of babies by Anne Geddes, and later my mother and I created a poster-sized collage of babies. It was pretty cool.

'How Did She Get Here?'

But when I was working on my baby's room, I still felt detached, almost like I was designing it for someone else. That feeling was even with me after I gave birth. When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I stared and stared, like, "How did she get here?"

For the next few months, Jaiya slept in a bassinet in my room. I almost forgot her room existed. But when people made the rounds to see my baby, they complimented us on the room, and I started to feel that it was real, that my baby was real and that I was really a mom.

Eventually, I was able to clear the scrambled eggs out of my brain and realize that I'm not like my mother. If I didn't want to mess up, I just had to try to give the love I'd always wanted. I told myself, "I'm going to tell my daughter I love her. I'm going to do my best."

We've Come a Long Way

Now I often look around Jaiya's room, remembering the time in my life when I was working on it, and I think, "Wow, look how far we've come." Now I feel a real sense of joy and wonderment. I still have plenty of fears and worries, but I have more of the mother instinct than I thought I would.

I love to watch the times with Jaiya that I have captured on video. In one video she is very, very young, just lying in her crib watching her Sylvester and Tweety mobile go 'round, and smiling at it. Then I can watch her later on, when she was about 5 or 6 months and she would try and try to stand up while holding on to the crib railing. It was the cutest thing!

Three years later, John, my daughter and I are taking it day by day. It's hard to say, "I haven't been like my mother," because of course I don't remember how my mother treated me in my early years.

I can't say how I will feel when my daughter is older. But I hope and pray that I'm giving my daughter my love and that she won't grow up doubting herself like I did.