FCYU-Feature Story

A Lesbian in the System

By Carlford Wadley

"Sandra," 18, came into foster care in June, 1992. Her current placement is Marian Hall, a group home for girls in Manhattan. Prior to that she was at St. Germaine's, a group home in Queens. FCYU writer Carlford Wadley spoke with "Sandra" about her experiences as a lesbian in foster care.

Interview by Carlford Wadley

Carl: When did you actually come out?

Sandra: I didn't really come out myself. I did it with the "help" of my mother.

It's a Sunday morning...I walked through my door and lying on my floor are my "Out" Magazines (a gay and lesbian magazine, no longer published).

Now, these magazines I'd put between my mattresses and I'm wondering, "What the hell are they doing on the floor?" Along with that, there are some letters and like Mother's Day cards and birthday cards I've given her during the past five years. They were all torn up on my bed. I saw my diaries just sprawled out on the floor, and that's something that she's never touched, it was like really shocking.

So I'm looking at this trying to digest everything I see, I'm thinking, "Oh sh-t, oh sh-t, oh sh-t. My mother's going through my things. She knows, she knows, she knows." And so she walks past me, she doesn't say anything. Yet. It's the silence that intensifies the fear. I'm expecting her to throw a chair at me, but she walks past me and doesn't say anything...

She walked into my room and...said something to the effect of, "Well, you're a lesbian now? Do you wanna f-ck me or something?" She said something explicit and sexual, that should not come from the lips of a mother to her child. That's all I know...I just slumped to the floor and I start putting bits and pieces of the cards back together...

But the point is, she really had to be searching...Somewhere along the way she suspected something...I'd come home and face all this aggression. There was no need for that.

Carl: What type of aggression?

Sandra: Like walking past my room and calling me, one of her favorite names for me at the time, "Butchy-dyke." And also, when you're around your parents long enough, they feel comfortable being around you, and before they get in the shower they'll be buck naked and not mind.

Well, after this incident, all of that stopped. Even if she was in the bathroom taking a squat, she'd lock the door if she thought I'd be walking around. I would never think of doing anything like that. It's just inconceivable...She assumed that "lesbian" means that you want to sleep with every and any woman that's on this earth.

Carl: How did the tension at home lead to your coming into placement?

Sandra: She made it so that I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't talk to anyone. The times I was home...she was in and out of my room saying, "You dyke," you this, you that.

A person can't live that way. It was beginning to affect my grades at school. I couldn't concentrate 'cause I would think, "What the hell is she gonna come up with next?"

Carl: And finally?

Sandra: I just left. I packed my bags and left.

Carl: What was your first day in the system like?

Sandra: I remember the first day I arrived at St. Germaine's...I was given a little section of a large room called a "triple," and that's the room the girls stay in when they're new...I'm in this little room putting away my toiletries. To make the room look nicer, I put some comic books and cards on the walls. Also, some pictures of me and my ex.

And so the girls are walking by, nosy as hell, trying to bum a cigarette from me, and see what kind of clothes I have that they can steal. That's the way it was. So they walked past and stared at the pictures.

One girl says, "Well, who's that with you in the picture?" And I say, "It's me and my ex." And she says, "Well, that's a girl." I say, "I know." It's like she's looking at the picture and trying to run.

I said, "Listen, you know, I'm not gonna bite you. You can come in." She sat on the bed and says, "I guess you're a lesbian." And I say, "Yeah." She says, "O.K. Thank you." She kindly leaves the room and runs downstairs and publicizes the information to the whole house.

The next thing you know my room was like a gallery. You ever go to a museum and people look at pictures with their hands behind their backs like, "Ummm, interesting?"

Carl: After they found out, how did the girls at the house treat you?

Sandra: I prepared myself to get into a fight when I went downstairs later that night for dinner. They embraced me, in their strange little way. Occasionally I got questions like, "How do you have sex?" One resident asked me, "Are you attracted to any of the girls here?" And I says, "No." That's the way I felt. I can honestly say that, in my year there, I never experienced a crush on another resident...I did have a crush on a staff person, but that's a different story...

[The girls] loved me. I was like a spectacle. When they bought their boyfriends around, "Oh Joe, come upstairs, man! We got a lesbian in the house!" I was like the house sideshow. Should've made a business out of it. "Looks, two dollars the first minute. Fifty-cents every additional minute."

Carl: Did it ever get on your nerves?

Sandra: It never did. It kind of made me feel uncomfortable, but I thought to myself, these girls have never been around anyone like me before. Maybe this would be a learning experience for them. If I don't tell them, who will? So, I wasn't very quick to shun them away...A few of them had gay and lesbian members in their family. But they really haven't talked to them because the parents have been hiding their children away from them, thinking it's something you catch through casual contact.

Carl: How did the staff at St. Germaine's treat you?

Sandra: Some felt that I was going through a phase, and some time in future I would find a man whom I could love dearly and get married and have children and ooohh...get off it! They didn't shove it down my throat, but they couldn't bring themselves to accept me.

Carl: Now that you're at Marian Hall, do the staff treat you differently than at St. Germaine's?

Sandra: Well...the only thing I can think of is, now that I'm in a new placement, I have to come out to a whole different set of people, with different personalities, who might react to this differently.

Carl: So you haven't come out to the residents at Marian Hall yet?

Sandra: No, I throw out some subtle hints. I find it very amusing. I'll say something like, "Oh, I called Crystal, whoops!, I meant Christopher today." Something like that. Sometimes it flies over their heads or they catch it and keep it to themselves.

Carl: What do you have to say to those who feel that your sexual orientation is wrong?

Sandra: We're not serial killers, we're not rapists. We don't constitute a large part of that sick population, contrary to popular opinion. We're doing things with our lives.

Just get around us. You'll never know until you experience us. If you don't, then it's your loss!!!

Carl: If you could change anything about the way gays and lesbians are treated in foster care, what would it be?

Sandra: I would have mandatory training for the staff...and residents. There are a lot of misconceptions, a lot of myths.